“I might have liked it.” “Yeah, well,” I mumbled. “Kids, you don’t know if… and you’ve got nowhere to go.” “Kids arrange things,” she said. “You were too shy.” “I was,” I admitted. “Are you still shy, Christopher?” I loved it when she used my full name, which she did often. I was actually still a bit shy, but at that moment I had to throw caution to the wind. I put my arms around her and kissed her. She almost fell on top of me in her eagerness to reciprocate. I felt her breasts, first outside her dress and then inside her bra, thanks to the dress’s wide armholes. Her hands were on my legs, pawing me. She was no expert at this, and I liked that. I slid a hand up Carol’s skirt and felt her panties. It was humid up there. Suddenly she stood up and put her arms out to the sides. “I’m not stopping you,” she said, expressionless. I reached under the voluminous skirt and grabbed the sides of Carol’s panties. I pulled them down to her ankles and she stepped out of them. “Let’s go upstairs,”. The woman I often imagined myself to be, the feminine component of my personality that was so much a part of me. I had begun to dress more and more actively, to change my overall appearance in subtle ways. I strove for a place where I could be less male, and more female. This had not always gone well, but it had become important.We had talked for hours and hours over the past weeks and months. The talks had been painful for us both. At times, things felt wonderful all over again, but a cloud had hovered over us for months. And yesterday, we had had a huge fight. Things appeared very bleak, and so I had left, seeking some space to think, to ponder, to just find some answers.I loved her. She was my life. She had taken me down paths of learning I would never explore myself. She has freed me to be a better person than I was before I met her. She has also revealed parts of myself to me that I would rather have not known. She was the smoke of a drug I wished to suck inside myself and never.
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